


not who loves you

by denouementt



Series: albus & scorpius; fifth year [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Brotherly Love, Coming Out, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 13:39:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10765356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denouementt/pseuds/denouementt
Summary: "I do, yeah," He finally answered after what felt like hours of pondering. "I love Scorpius.""Have you told him?""No, not yet." Albus replied, handing the chocolate back to James after finishing all he needed to feel slightly human again."Is there any reason why? Do you think he doesn't love you back or something?" James pressed on, finishing the remaining sugary treat himself.or the one where albus finally tells james everything.





	not who loves you

**Author's Note:**

> hello !! I have finally written something from albus' perspective wow ??? I like this, I enjoyed writing this. albus is such a wonderful character to explore, and after seeing cursed child again last week I felt like I finally understood him enough to write about him.
> 
> p.s i scrapped where airy voices lead; didn't really like how it turned out and as i thought over the whole series it didn't fit in with the chronology [imo]. this is easter, and this is from albus' perspective [as mentioned]
> 
> tumblr: scorpiusmlafoy

"Right," Albus started, brushing down his jeans as he stood up from his side of the compartment. His throat tightened as he reminded himself of his plan, eyes flitting out the window in a last minute attempt to settle himself. As his sight caught on the shimmering lake underneath the ancient bridge the train was passing over, he calmed slightly. The melancholy current lapping on the hills edge sent a wash of relaxation over his once shaking form. "I'm going to go and do it. Passing the bridge means we're halfway to home. That gives me half a train journey to find and tell James."

"Okay," Scorpius replied, lying his bookmark back to mark his page before standing up. He gently brushed his hands over Albus' shoulders, giving him a warm smile as he pulled him into an extremely tight hug. Hugging was something they did frequently now; last year the idea of holding each other in this way was such a foreign concept. Now, however, Albus couldn't imagine going a day without feeling Scorpius' arms woven around his neck or his waist. "I'm proud of you. Just- come back if you need me. You'll be fine." He assured, lightly pressing his lips to Albus' cheek.

"Okay, yeah. I can do this." Albus murmured, partly in response to Scorpius' conversation but mainly in an attempt to collect himself. Today was the day he had decided to finally tell James about, well, everything. Over the last year their relationship had developed, they'd gotten a lot closer, and Albus wanted to take that further. He wanted to tell his brother about himself, who he was, what he liked and what he was doing. While there was an inkling in Albus' mind that James would've suspected half the things he was about to tell him, Albus still wanted to do it all officially. There seemed something rather incomplete and impersonal about basing their knowledge of each others personal lives on assumptions and guesses; he wanted to be able to talk to James about everything. They spoke about Quidditch, about school and about family all of the time. Albus wanted to be able to talk about friendships and relationships as well.

As he exited their compartment and shuffled down the train's thin corridor to where he knew James and his friends sat an overwhelming feeling of nervousness inflated inside him. Albus wasn't sure why he was so nervous about this, James was his family after all. Surely family would always accept him? Albus assumed it was just part of the whole experience, telling someone your deepest secret would always cause your mind to run off to unexplainable places. Albus rubbed his hands together as he walked, glancing into compartments every now and again to check he didn't just walk past. There were faces of pupils he had never seen before, but ones who, based on their expressions as he wandered past, clearly knew him. Accepting the fact that people would always gawk and watch as he walked by was hard, it was part of the reason the events of his fourth year even happened. That insecurity about being a Potter and being the Slytherin Squib, as he had been described, had haunted him for so long. And it still did, to a certain extent, however Albus thought he was getting better at handling the family name and the trials that came with it.

Albus stopped abruptly just before James' compartment, peeking forwards slightly just to check that he was definitely in there. He was, Albus could see his loosely curled brown hair and Quidditch shirt from where he was stood. As always, James was surrounded by friends; ever since his first year James had been so outgoing, sociable and welcomed into any group he entered. He had an effortless charm about him, looks and personality wise. He could link into any conversation, flatter any girl or boy in his path while maintaining relatively decent grades. James had made a great impression on everybody at Hogwarts, clearly, since he was Quidditch captain and a prefect. Following in the footsteps of the greatly liked James Sirius Potter was intimidating enough, and faltering at the first hurdle didn't give Albus a great start to his Hogwarts life.

He shook his head, attempting to whisk away any of these negative thoughts. "Stop, don't be silly. You're fine." Albus muttered, chewing on his bottom lip for a moment as he pondered his next move. Did he just walk in? Did he knock? He didn't want to intrude but he also didn't want to stand there outside like a fool waiting for someone to notice him. _Ridiculous,_ Albus thought, _he's your brother._

Albus breathed, turned and opened the compartment door, knocking on the glass as he entered. "Hey," he started, looking immediately to James so he didn't have to suffer under the unknown glares of everyone else in the room. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Hey, little brother," James started, nodding as he quickly stood up. The speed of James' actions frightened Albus. Was he ashamed to have his brother walk in on him and his friends? Had he presumed this conversation was going to happen and was already prepared for it? There were a few scenarios that blasted through Albus' mind at the one action James made; he wished they'd all stop. "Of course. Let's go find an emptier compartment." He smiled, gesturing for Albus to turn left.

He did, and they walked. At some point James had overtook Albus, taking confident looks into every compartment as they walked down the length of the train. Every step they took was a step further away from his and Scorpius' compartment on the back end of the train. One step further away from his comfort and safe place. "This one's empty. In you go." James said after about three and a half minutes (Albus might've been counting) of walking.

"Great, thank you," Albus said, giving a small smile in James' general direction as he walked into the empty compartment. He sat on the left side so he was facing forwards as the train moved. If anything else added to the anti-Potter that Albus seemed to be, it was probably the fact he got travel sick very easily. He couldn't travel backwards, and, in a situation like now where he had nerves swarming around in his stomach and throat, he didn't want to think about the consequences if he did. "So."

"So," James repeated, taking a seat opposite Albus. He folded his legs on the seat, comfortable already in the new environment. It was quite the juxtaposition to how Albus was sat. Albus had his hands clasped between his thighs, shoulders hunched in a self conscious, defensive position. James was leaning forwards, arms resting on his knees as he appeared eager to start their conversation. "What's this about then?"

Albus swallowed; his eyes sunk to the floor as he deeply breathed, trying with all his might to hypothetically contain all his loose emotions in a jar inside him. It was hard, there was so much fear, anxiety and sadness swamping his brain that he seemed to forget what he was even there to talk about. The feelings hurt; it felt like someone was squeezing his lungs and drumming on his brain, but he just had to deal with it.

"I- I just... I need to tell you some things, I suppose." Albus shrugged, tilting his head to the side as he finally looked back up at James. He was slightly reassured by the warmth that swam in James' eyes. There was a hint of knowing, but overwhelming that a sense of acceptance and trust.

"Yeah?" James asked, his voice soft as he smiled slightly. "Okay, I'm all ears. You know I have your back."

Albus nodded, shaking slightly as he rattled out a breath he'd been holding the whole time James had been speaking. "Right, I know." He said, hardly audible. He didn't even know whether James heard what he said, but he had no time to overthink that action. His mind was alive with ways to tell James all the thoughts that were bubbling at the tip of tongue. None of them seemed right, he couldn't think of a way to put it eloquently, or a way to express all his feelings in a way that made sense to someone else. He couldn't explain in coherent sentences how looking at his best friend from across the Slytherin dormitory filled his soul with endless comfort, or how hearing that one voice sleepily greet him in the morning felt like a soothing blanket being draped over his whole body.

"You probably already know half of what I'm about to say, but I wanted to talk to you about it anyway," Albus started, fiddling about with his fingers to try and stop them from visibly trembling as much as they were at that moment. "I know I could just let you figure it out for yourself but the last few months you and I have gotten closer, and I feel like I can trust you. Not that I couldn't before, but now something has happened that makes me-"

James chuckled, lips curling into a smile, "I know. I get what you mean." He said, clearly sensing that Albus was about to veer off topic.

"Right, yes," murmured Albus, a faint blush shining on his cheeks. "Basically, you're my brother. And now I feel like you're my friend as well. So I want to tell you things about me, I want us to _know_ each other." He continued.

"I agree." His brother replied, his smile brighter and wider than Albus had ever seen before. Well, except for the time that their dad gave him the invisibility cloak. But Albus liked to think that the smile James was giving him was one of genuine emotion and happiness rather than something materialistic and mischievous.

"And I feel like you can't know me when I'm keeping secrets from you," Albus felt his body settle a little, though there was still a painful lump in his throat. "Because secrets mean there is always something stopping you from really understanding someone. Secrets hurt people, and even though this secret isn't something disastrous like- I don't know, I found another time turner and have already gone back in time or something. But this secret... It hurts me. I know keeping this to myself prevents you ever knowing me."

He took a break, allowing himself to exhale the breath he'd been holding in the whole while he rambled about something that really didn't matter. Albus was confused as to why he was justifying the secret he hadn't even told James yet, but again, he assumed it was something people did when they were building up to such a confession.

"I'm not... I don't-" He started, pausing one last time as he attempted to form the best sentence to explain himself. "There are two really simple words that I can't bring myself to say. Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed or anything like that. They're just- stuck in my throat. I suppose that could be some awful metaphor for how I've felt for the past, what, four years? Trapped. And lost. Lost in so many ways, it kind of hurts to think about them all. This... feeling, it started slowly at first. I looked around and felt that something was different. And then last year it just hit me all in one go. It was like my own body was punishing me for pushing it away for so long. And then I tried to push it away again-"

"Delphi?" James interrupted, but before Albus could reply he quickly uttered an apology. "Sorry- I. I didn't mean to cut in."

"It's okay, don't worry. But yeah, Delphi..." Albus murmured. "I felt so stupid after that. I mean, there's the obvious reason that she, you know, wasn't a good person. But then I felt so stupid because she was just another way that I was trying to maintain this false persona. I couldn't stand the idea of being even more different so I tried to force it away, but that only made it worse. It's a bit like an Obscurus... The longer you conceal it the more overwhelming the result at the end when it all comes out."

James kept nodding; Albus sensed from the comforting smile on his face and the slight glossy sheen in his eyes that James knew where this was heading. There was something very telling about the way he kept blinking so frequently while listening incredibly tentatively that gave Albus the indication that his secret wasn't as well kept as he originally suspected. But knowing James was letting him reveal it rather than bluntly saying he already knew made Albus feel so warm inside. It was reassurance that James wanted them to be close as well and that he respected the feelings that Albus had been experiencing for so long.

"And I'm tired of keeping it in all the time. Those two words that I just can't say without feeling like I'm going to cry... They're so much more than words. They're my identity. And I'm proud of that identity. It just feels like the second I say them I'm going to crash because my one secret is out in the open. And that finality scares me. I scares me more than the words alone," Albus sighed, shuffling to the end of the seat to minimise the gap between he and his brother. "I remember when I looked at Delphi all I felt was a slight feeling of admiration. Admiration of her talent, before I realised who she was. I thought she was so outgoing and so talented. She was- she is an exceptional witch. But I didn't look at her and _feel_ anything. I pretended that I did because I felt it was normal, or the right thing. I didn't get any weird feelings, anything telling me that I liked her. Of course she was pretty and had nice hair and everything, but I didn't get any kind of deeper feeling that told me there was something more. And that's how I feel whenever I look at any girl. But then when I look at, you know," he paused, clearing his throat. "I feel _something_. I just imagine how wonderful they are, how gorgeous they are. I can envision myself in that space, with those people. I look at- certain ones with something I know is deeper than artificial attraction, you know? The way you look at girls in your year is the way that I look at... boys in mine."

Albus exhaled; he had finally said it, to a certain extent anyway. He still hadn't mustered up the heart to say the two words, but he had explained his situation. And despite a feeling of a weight being lifted off his shoulders, there was still a weight settled on his heart. He might've confessed the first part of the story, but he still had to tell James about Scorpius. Albus sensed James knew that wasn't the final chapter of this book, for he stayed silent. There was a deeper glossiness over his eyes and Albus could see a redness creeping across them as well. It all felt so close. Never in his life had he felt so close to someone in his family. When he and his dad went to Cedric's grave there was a flicker of this intimacy and this bond that was being built, but there was some indescribable connection in the moment with James. Within the confined walls of that carriage, Albus had just opened his soul to the first person in his family, and it was a feeling both comforting and petrifying at the same time.

"The way you look at the girls you and your friends talk about," Albus started up again, shutting his eyes momentarily as he inhaled yet another painful breath. "Is the way I look at Scorpius." He said, volume of his voice declining as he finished his sentence. As his voice lowered, his eyes followed suit as they drifted to the floor. There was no doubt in Albus' mind that James knew all about he and Scorpius, or he had some faint idea that there was something going on. But as they had never talked about it, Albus had no inclination of whether James approved or not.

"I- wow," James finally said, having let the tension that simmered in the air drift away, as though someone had twirled their wand and sent it flying out the window. "Thank you for trusting me with all this. It warms me knowing you want to tell me these things. I would be lying if I said I didn't suspect something, but the confirmation coming from you means everything."

Albus watched as James stood up and moved across the carriage to sit next to him. He sat sideways, one arm reaching up to gently rub Albus' shoulder. "I suspected you knew... So you're- okay with it all?"

"Albus, of course I am. You're my brother," James said, tone almost scolding as though to tell Albus off for ever thinking something different. "So you are those two words you can't bring yourself to say, that's who you are. It just makes you the amazing brother you are now. I love you whatever you do, as long as you don't accidentally summon a world full of Dark Magic again." He teased.

"Oh, James-"

"I know, I know. I'm joking," James said, pressing a loving kiss to Albus' temple. "I love you, little brother. Now... Scorpius."

Albus sat up, abruptly and with fear filling his eyes. "What? What about him? Do you not like him?"

"No, no. Oh Merlin, you are on edge. Of course I like him," James assured, taking some Honeydukes chocolate out his robe pocket and handed it to Albus. "Eat. Anyway, Scorpius. He's good for you. I could always tell something had happened last year. You seemed happier, more vibrant, almost. Over Christmas you were the happiest I've ever seen you. And your party... I didn't want to say anything because it wasn't my place."

"I really like him, James." Albus said, taking small bites from the chocolate.

"I can tell. I can also tell he really likes you as well. We talk quite a bit, to be honest," James said, acting nonchalant as though saying he frequently spoke with his brother's best friend wasn't a big deal. "How long?"

"Uhm- well. We had our first, I don't know, date, I suppose, back in October. And it's April now. So... About six months?" Albus said, a faint smile summoning itself onto his face as he recounted their afternoon in Madam Puddifoots.

"Six months? Wow. That's really good. Like- really good. You suit each other. Do you, you know, love him?"

Albus paused, chewing on his bottom lip as he thought. Did he love Scorpius? Of course he did, but he sensed it wasn't in the way James was asking about. His stomach swirled with butterflies as he thought about Scorpius. His blonde best friend was probably sat on the complete other side of the train, head glued to a book as his diamond blue eyes trailed along each line. Albus could imagine him slightly slouched, fringe gracing the pale skin of his forehead. It was an image that made Albus subconsciously smile. Then he went on to think more about Scorpius; he imagined the way he felt when they sat opposite each other late at night in front of the fire, working on some essays that weren't due for weeks. The way that Scorpius fiddled with his quill as he considered his next word and the intense blush that burned his cheeks when he realised Albus was staring. His mind recalled the way their hands fold perfectly together, fingers intertwining as though they were made for each other. His mind, heart and soul were overcome with feelings as these scenarios passed through him. There was deep appreciation for Scorpius, and there was a possibility that appreciation had developed into something more.

"I do, yeah," He finally answered after what felt like hours of pondering. "I love Scorpius."

"Have you told him?"

"No, not yet." Albus replied, handing the chocolate back to James after finishing all he needed to feel slightly human again.

"Is there any reason why? Do you think he doesn't love you back or something?" James pressed on, finishing the remaining sugary treat himself.

"Oh Merlin, no. That's not the reason. I don't want to assume what he feels, but no, not that," Albus quickly rambled out. "I think- I'm not sure why I haven't told him. To us it kind of felt like we couldn't get to that place until we'd come to terms with it all. That makes no sense, I know. You can love someone without the whole world needing to know. But if I was to love him, which I do, and if I were to express that love, I'd want to express it publicly. And I couldn't do that until people knew about us. Officially, anyway. I know my party goes completely against that mentality, but I blame the Fire Whiskey."

"No, it makes sense. Part of you felt you couldn't get that close until you accepted the situation for what it is. You are, you know, those two words, and you couldn't really handle that until you told your family. I honestly get it, Albus," James said, gently bumping into his shoulder. "I'm really glad you're happy, little brother. I like seeing you smile. I like knowing you're with someone who you love and who I know loves you as well."

"I know, so am I. He makes me really happy, James. I see him and- never mind. I've done enough gushing for today," Albus laughed, wiping a hand over his cheek to wipe away the tears he didn't even know had fallen. "Hey- um. Do mum and dad know?"

"Not really. Well, mum has her suspicions. She asked me over Christmas if something was going on but I said I didn't know, because I kind of didn't. And it wasn't my business to tell. Dad hasn't a clue, to be honest. You know he's blind to everything that isn't obvious. He couldn't even tell that Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron were in love until they were flaunting it in his face," James laughed. "They'll be okay with it, you know? They won't love you any less. You're their son, after everything that happened last year they'll be glad you're opening up."

"I just don't want to be more of a-"

"I swear if the word disappointment comes out of that mouth one more time I will hex you so you can never say it again." James said, quietly mumbling disapproving comments.

Albus blushed, swallowing thickly. "Sorry, it's just what I've been told for a very long time."

"But it's not true, and everyone who is important has told you that." James retorted.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Can we move on now?" Albus asked, squirming a little under the gaze of his brother.

"Of course. Do you want to stay here for the rest of the journey or?" James questioned, trailing off as they both knew what the other suggestion would be.

"I think I'll go back... I kind of miss him." Albus chuckled.

"That's cute, but kind of gross. In a big brother kind of way," James grinned, pulling Albus in for a painfully tight hug. "Come here, little brother. I'm so proud of you, and I love you more than you'll ever know."

"Ugh, hugs. Only Scorpius is allowed to hug me." Albus teased, inhaling deeply as to try and absorb as much as James as possible. He did love his brother, he loved the way that he smelt of cinnamon, vanilla and Fire Whiskey all in one go. It was a soothing smell, one that reminded him of home.

"Hey, now that I know about you two does this mean I get to give him the don't hurt my little brother talk?"

"No, James," Albus whined, rolling his eyes. "Please don't ever give him that talk. He'd probably cry."

\- ⚡ -

Albus leaned against the outside wall just next to the compartment where Scorpius was sitting. He'd glanced inside to see his blonde boyfriend dozing off in between gentle flicks of pages as he read a book,  as Albus had predicted. It was an endearing sight, and it soothed the nausea that had built up as Albus scurried back down the length of the train. Coming back down to earth from such an intense adrenaline rush left Albus feeling a little sick; the gentle swaying of the train as it stormed through the English countryside didn't help ease the bubbling, uncomfortable sensation in the pit of his stomach. He was unbelievably overwhelmed. Albus couldn't believe he had just told James everything, and that James had reacted so positively. It felt like a step in the right direction, but knowing the next destination in this journey would be to tell his parents brought him back full circle to the anxiety he was feeling at the moment.

Albus swallowed, letting out a final breath before turning back into the compartment, sitting next to Scorpius rather than taking his place back opposite him. "Hey, Scorpius." He said, gentle as he lightly tapped his knee.

Scorpius yawned, eyes squeezing shut as he drifted back to his surroundings. He noticed how Scorpius' eyes lit up upon noticing Albus next to him, instinctively shutting his book so he could move closer. "Hi," he smiled, voice slightly scratchy and higher than usual as he woke up from his light sleep. "You look a mixture of happy and ill. Is it all okay?"

"Couldn't be better, to be honest." Albus said, a wide smile on his face as he gently squeezed Scorpius' thigh.

"Oh, that's wonderful! I'm so glad. I had to occupy myself with something because I was so nervous thinking it was going wrong," Scorpius laughed, lightly dotting a kiss to Albus' cheek, just below where James had left one earlier. "How did you do it?"

"I couldn't say the word, you know," Albus sighed. "Gay. I don't know why. I couldn't bring myself to say it. But I described it, I mentioned you and us. He let me get it all out, and he actually listened. He didn't interrupt, except once, accidentally. It was lovely, Scorpius. I've never felt so accepted by him before."

"My heart has this weird swelling feeling right now. I'm so happy for you. I mean, I knew he would be okay with it but even then I still had my doubts. You can never really predict how someone is going to react to something like that."

"I know," Albus said, nodding slowly. "But that's over with. I'm going to tell my parents at some point this holiday. I think my mum already suspects something. James said dad hasn't a clue, so that'll be fun. Maybe I'll have him come on a walk with me so I can tell him my deep dark secret."

"You know, this means that after Easter we may finally be able to actually _be_ what we are in front of people." Scorpius noted, turning so he was facing Albus.

"Oh, yeah! I don't want to be one of those really in your face couples or anything."

Scorpius shook his head, and Albus observed how his nose scrunched up at what he could only imagine was Scorpius visioning them being one of _those_ couples. "Never. I'm just looking forward to being able to sit that little bit closer to you, and being able to walk with you without feeling like I'm monitoring everything little thing I do. Does that make sense? I suppose I'm just looking forward to being able to be freer with my actions. I hate feeling controlled, even more so controlling myself."

"You're so adorable when you go off on one long explanation about something I understood in one sentence." Albus teased, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips.

Scorpius rolled his eyes, gently flicking Albus' nose. "I'm trying to have a deep conversation here and all you care about is how adorable I look when I ramble."

"It's true, though! When you explain things you have this happy glint in your eye. It's really sweet. You're really sweet, I-" He stopped himself. Albus knew what he had wanted to say, but he wasn't ready to actually say it quite yet. He could tell Scorpius noticed him stopping mid-sentence, but he luckily didn't press the topic any further.

"Thank you. You're very sweet as well," Scorpius paused. "I guess this means I need to tell my dad now."

Albus felt his breath catch; he knew how much Scorpius was dreading having to tell Draco about it all. It wasn't that he was worried about the reaction of his dad, per say, it was more the realisation that the Malfoy line was most likely going to end with him. They both knew it didn't matter to Draco, but to Scorpius' grandfather the Malfoy name mattered greatly. Everything about the situation was a lot more risky when it was in relation to Scorpius. The two of them secretly understood that Albus' family would always be nothing but supportive. The story could easily twist in the complete opposite direction when Scorpius told people.

"I could ask to come over for a few days in Easter and we can tell him together?" Albus suggested.

"No, I appreciate the offer, and you should definitely come for a few days, but I feel like this is my one chance to talk to him. The conversation will inevitably turn to my mother, so it'll be the one time I actually open up and talk to him. I'd like that to just be the two of us." Scorpius explained, gently picking up one of Albus' hands as he started to trace lines onto his skin. Albus knew he was tracing constellations; Scorpius plucked a pen out of his pocket (he could only assume it was something Rose gave him, or possibly Roxanne), going over the ghost lines from his finger with the black ink. From his limited knowledge of stars and constellations, Albus knew it was _Scorpius_. As he joined up the lines Albus couldn't help but smile. It was something very personal and as Scorpius finished the last star in the shape of a heart and pressed a kiss to the back of his hand, Albus could feel himself falling even more in love with the slightly aloof blonde boy sitting in front of him.

"I understand," Albus replied, copying Scorpius' gesture by taking the pen and drawing the letters _ASP_ on his skin. "You are an effortlessly incredible person, you know that?"

"No, I don't," Scorpius chuckled, cheeks flaring in a brilliant pink blush. "But the more you say it, the closer I think I'm getting to finally realising it."

Albus smiled; he could feel the adoration swell inside him as he looked at Scorpius. It was impossible to not stare at him sometimes, just to take in how eloquent and unique he appeared to be. "I'm really looking forward to the next part of our lives."

"So am I."

"This is definitely the beginning of something better for us, better than we already are." And from the way Scorpius closed the gap between them to lay a gentle yet loving kiss to his lips, Albus knew they shared the optimistic train of thought.

 

**Author's Note:**

> so that's that !! next part will most likely be coming out to harry/ginny. hope u enjoyed; let's chat about all things scorbus in the comments :-))


End file.
